Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in angeleyes415's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 26th, 2005
10:39 pm	...this sucks... Okay...so the best way to describe me right now would be manic...but im not bipolar so i guess i cant really use that term. Im fucking losing any grip i ever had. Everything is zooming past me...its like tripping on acid times ten. Im pissed because I have bills to pay out the ass and what do i do?...i go shopping again today. And this eating thing needs to fucking stop...seriously..i feel like ive eaten like 5 billion calories today...note this is a slight exaggeration...but still. And boys...they just suck ass. I think I've met another boy who is just like that stupid fuck. He's like yea we can hang out but not this weekend because i have a paper etc etc. Yet he text me at like 230 in the morning saying how sorry he was that we didnt chill....is that genuine or is that the im really drunk and want ass now text. Everyone can fuck off...yep thats right. So what the hell am i supposed to do...god i wish i could turn back the clock...id fix all the stupid shit ive done and never meet all the assholes i met. Part of me really just wants to ball my fucking eyes right now and the other part of me wants to scream really loud and beat people over the head with expensive dishware...i dont know why..just because...lol...god im weird. I miss people. Its weird because there are some people i see all the time and others i see hardly and yet i miss them both....i dont know what im talking about. Half of my tree went away for the weekend so i feel so empty :( I miss them both :( And then for some reason i really am missing my friends from when i was in highschool...everyone grows up and goes their own ways...but i miss them...especially my best friend..i wish things never would have went wrong between her and i...her family was my family...i miss her :( I'm ranting about the most random shit...i need to make a to-do list of shit to do before i leave that godforsaken school...just a lot of funny stuff...well it will atleast amuse me...im sure beating the shit out of someone else wouldnt amuse them...but it would sure amuse me...haha...see i just think about it and it makes me laugh...wow im a twisted fuck...until then... Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 17th, 2005
2:34 pm	this isnt good I thought I was doing okay...everything was going really well...maybe thats why i havent written in awhile...but then it all starting going down hill..and when the brakes arent there...you know how it speeds up...i'm flying towards rock bottom and im scared shitless. I think maybe when I woke up at the beginning of the week I had an idea that something just wasnt right...and my week has proceeded to suck since... 2/14...the love day. Well first it sucked because its that love day and i didnt have anyone...but what hurt more was the one love of my life...well thats his birthday...and its the first day he said i love to me...yea so im just a big mess. Tuesday I thought i got my wallet stolen...so i freaked and canceled my cards. Well i end up finding it which is great....but now i cant really do much until i get new cards. Wednesday...I failed my french test. I found out someone at school who is a senior killed herself...it just makes a lot of feelings resurface...i dont even know her and yet im so sad for her because it was like i knew. And then I got in a fight with my mom about how mean i am. She said I made fun of her to my dad...which wasnt the case...but the thing is i cant even fucking talk to my dad because if i do im accused of something. She then proceeded to tell me how terrible her life is and how this and that etc etc etc...and she told me how terrible i was etc etc. So i finally got up and just left...i told her i was going to fuck the boyfriend i have...because for some unknown reason she has this issue where she thinks im hiding that i have a bf from her...shes so fucking narotic. So anyways i couldnt stop crying...and it just got bad...and the thoughts that went through my head scared me. Thank god for Dene. She calmed me down for atleast an hour ...i feel bad though because she was supposed to study...but i really didnt know where else to turn..and i didnt really want to talk to anyone else...well except for one other person but he doesnt speak to me anymore. But she helped me..unfortunately i had to leave shortly after. So i walked to my car and started to cry all over again. So i called bobby...who didnt pick up and i left a really desperate message on his machine. he text me today and was like what the hell was wrong with you last night. I responded but he hasnt said anything back...he hates me...and i just hate myself because of it. But i felt like he was the only one who really knew how to calm me down guywise. I just needed a guy there...and i had absolutely no one. I fucking hate that feeling. So today I stayed home because I couldnt go to school. I look like hell because I just sobbed all night. I cant really do this anymore...i was feeling really good about myself for awhile and now im just spiraling downward...im having all these eating issues again and im freaking out everytime i put a piece of food in my mouth...but its like some fucking addiction...god im so fucked up. I'm so scared... ...until then... Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
8:47 am	blah So i have class in like 10 minutes and yet im writing...oh blah i feel like a psycho bitch...well not really..but i dont know. Being sick and feeling completely out of it is not helping. I made the mistake of going to cafe fifth last night where i ran into andy...i havent talked to this kid for almost a month because he just did a number on me...somehow..but i really have no fucking clue. Anyways...we talked for like an hour or so ...and i still didnt get anything figured out in my head..i tried to explain to him how i felt about all the shit and how it made me feel...im coming to learn that guys really just dont give a shit..i should have listened to my dad when he told me that :( But anyways...i tried..but im just as confused...and he was like well since you havent talked to me for like a month what made you do it tonight?...BECAUSE IT STILL FUCKING BUGS ME! oh fuck a duck im just so pissy and tired...that was a mistake talking to him..i should have just kept hating him...that would have been a lot easier...i really dont know what i feel to be quite honest...i would highly prefer not to feel anything..i was thinking about that today...i was like i wish i was just numb to the world and i wouldnt feel anything...not like being so sad that im numb...just numb. My other shitty boy news comes from someone who i thought something might happened..turns out the asshole is fucking around with some trashy ass girl...sorry i dont sleep with lowclass nor do i mess around with people who have messed around with low class...eww..whatever...everyone can go fuck themselves...yep thats the kind of mood i am in..but of course there are always those few exceptions..you know who you are. So I'm not pregnant..not like i ever thought i was but my doctor was like you have to go and just make sure..whatever dude...so she called...or said she was gonna call in a perscription...yea went to pick it up and it wasnt there...fucking fantastic...oh you can just tell im in a pissy mood. So I guess I have to go to class soon...sign the wonderful ex boyfriend in who never shows up just so he doesnt fail the class miserably...why am i so fucking nice to people sometimes....i wish i had a baseball bat...i dont know why...i just wish i had one with me....until then... Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
9:06 am	rain rain go away... So yea...i feel like im gonna puke...that sucks ass. So lets review this drama filled life... Exciting news...rush is finally over...i hate rush more than anything because i feel like shit every time i do it...im a great friend and sister blah blah...but i hate the whole business aspect of it...lol...thats why im in the social services area and not business. But we could some cool chickies...some potential lils to the fourth...wheeeee. But the thing that sucked was i got sick over the rush week. I dont think what is going on is too healthy...lets just say im having girl problems. I hope they figure out what is wrong...i know it sounds terrible but sometimes im like i wish something was wrong so it wasnt like i had no idea as to why this shit was happening to me. My mom says i look like hell..lol...im like geeze thanks. Im paler than a ghost...and thats no good because im pale to begin with..haha...but yea..that and i have like no iron in me. Im just super exhausted all the time now...its not fun. The nurse at my gyno ...who is a major bitch and im trying to get her fired...haha...okay maybe not that but atleast repremanded...told me how if i dont wear a condomn that i WILL get pregnant...i honestly wanted to reach through the phone and smack the bitch..i was like hello im dying and you are telling me that..lol..she told me to take a pregnancy test...whatever dude...that lady is wacked out...she didnt even care about what was wrong...she was just like oh youve had sex...take a preg test. And then she was like call back in like 2 months if you are still having problems...i cried so hard because my doctor is soooo good and nice and this nurse was such a bitch...i cant deal with this problem for two more months...but that time i'll probably be in the hospital because i wont have any blood left in me...sorry if that was too much info but you made the choice to read it and im a girl who has no problem being open and honest...haha. But if i die...then you know why and you know who to blame. But yea i feel sick and im just bitchy...i have a ton of work to do and im still working with USPS so im having late nights too :( this cant be good for my health...oh and im graduating this semester....that brings an oh shit idea into my head. So yea on a side note...RON IS A DOUCHEBAG ...just felt like saying that. another side note..there is this super hot boy sitting diagnol from me but he is wearing a light purple button down and then an argyle sweater on top...i mean he looks sooooooo good but thats almost too feminine for me...lol. oh well...until then... Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
12:37 am	my name...wow it fits EMILY E is for Emotional M is for Musical I is for Innocent L is for Loving Y is for Young What Does Your Name Mean? (Comment on this)
12:07 am	loss of words I wish i could cry....yes i realize that sounds like the most bizarre thing...but there is something thats stirring in my heart...but it just doesnt want to come out. So i figured...what might make me cry...so i put in the cd i made for christopher..lol..he usually makes me cry..lol. Lets hope this works..just not to the point where i contemplate suicide. Anyways...i get to write the senior speech for my sorority...which im super excited about...but im at a loss for words...i know what i want to say but i have no idea how to put it into words. Holy shit!!...im actually at a loss for words...who would have ever thought..i wish it was this easy to write my speech like i have the ability to bitch. I just dont know..i cant seem to let my feelings out....and I DONT KNOW WHY!!!!! maybe im just scared that i will realize that its time that i wrap up this part of my life...and the fact that i have no idea what im doing scares me shitless.......oh fuck a duck! I dont think some of the girls realize how important they are to me..and the ones that do...have no idea how really really really important they are to me. I feel like a dumbass and keeping freaking out about what if its no good. damn it im not crying yet.... so maybe i read into shit...but i went to lunch today and guess who i caught staring at me several times...that stupid fuck. I walked in and since his table is just a few away its hard not to notice he is there. Well i noticed..noticed him staring at me...so i looked down was going through my stuff...looked up again and he was still looking...so i looked back...and im not talking a glance...im talking we locked eyes for awhile until inside my head was screaming fuck off ...so i went to visit someone else. Well needless to say i caught him numerous times...whatever...i mean yea that means that i was looking at him too..but he hurt me...i havent talked to him for several weeks...dont start shit. I dont know where this is coming from...the only thing i know of is him passing by me two days ago and saying hi and i just glared at him...maybe he knows im a little hating him....i doubt he cares...and i shouldnt either.....oh what the fuck ever dude. now im just pissy....i ate ice cream...and now im just even pissier....blah.... but not crying yet....lol..... what person in their right mind tries to make themself cry....im so god awful masochistic....scratch that..i may start....our song :( why did he have to hurt me.... anyways...fuck a duck....i just dont know.....why do i keep missing him....no thank you id prefer not to.....but these two songs in a row..it all resurfaces... i just dont know anymore.....until then..... Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
2:54 pm	damn it I really just screw shit up. I was really starting to be happy and i just messed it up. To explain i would put this conversation up but i dont know because i dont want to hurt him.....god there i go saving his ass again. I talked to bobby and lets just say it ended in me crying my eyes out...i dont know..is everything i ever touch just turn into shit? i complain to much but i feel the need...i just hate how things are sometimes...why do i depend on a guy...thats ridiculous. he just said mean things and made me cry...and as much as i wanna be his friend..i just wanna let him go. help me because i feel like im losing it. I want to be a better person..i want people to like me...i want to not bitch so much...but i feel like i must be fucking something up to keep getting shit upon. bobby...chris...andy...what the hell is my problem..i must do something wrong. but no one wants to tell me what. haha the only who did as much as possible was chris..lol..but sometimes hes nice and sometimes hes mean...and hes just a liar all the time so i question what is the truth. i wish they would all just disappear. it drives me crazy that i dont know where im messing up..i mean i know that i can do some things wrong...but sometimes i feel like i get shit on for NO REASON AT ALL. if you are reading this and you have a penis..can you please tell me why...lol. sometimes i just wish i didnt exist..or they didnt exist...it just makes me so sad to the point where all i can do is sit and cry...i hate feeling this way. please help me...but in reality i need to just help me...thats whatd be best...i just dont know how...until then... Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
5:46 pm	je ne comprende pas I dont understand..thats what the subject means...and that is about the only amount of french that i can speak...fits well doesnt it? So I'm thinking that if i didnt have to take three semesters of a foreign language that life might be a little less hectic ...OH MY GOSH side note...the girl who wears wrestling boots just walked in...i mean who does that..really..you arent training for the olympics ...now be a conformer and dress normal...lol...anyways...so if i didnt have to take french life might be easier...we finally got our new french teacher...she said that 80 to 90 percent of the class will be spoken in french...if you could only imagine the excitement running through me right now...not the sarcasim. So it snowed this morning...i live 15 minutes away and it took me an hour and a half to get here...that is some crazy shit..so i had no morning time to read my stuff for school..im slacking already..such a dumbass..lol..i really wanna try and learn something being that this is my last semester. Oh geeze i cant even get into that because then im just a ball of anxiety...so onto something i do well..bitching...i hate boys...i really do...they just all irk me so much...i dont even know if i have the strength to talk about them. No offense but in some way or another you are all assholes..boys i mean...and as much as you may want to defend it...sorry you just are. I mean I used to think that not all men were bad...i mean dads are supposed to be great...but i definately see how he is an asshole...but maybe people are just assholes...thats the word of the day kids...asshole. It describes a few exes very well..lol. Why do i fall in love with assholes...well they arent always like that..they just become them...they hide it or something...i think im just trying to preoccupy myself with caring for someone so i can get others off my mind...BAD IDEA...its not the way to deal with things...i wish i could just be normal for once and deal with things in a normal way. Im stepping into forbidden territory..the red flags are flying high...but my heart is being stupid and walking past them. BAD IDEA ...and im like well maybe i should just find a new boy to obsess about...but i dont want to subject to letting someone know me ....ARRRGGGGHHHH i hate boys...i really do. Maybe its me...i dont know...is it? I always tell people to tell me when something i do upsets them or they are frustrated...that way i know what im doing wrong and i'll either change it or try to work around the stuff...but i dont know...i guess that just doesnt seem to want to work. Lifes a bitch sometimes...but im starting to realize that i really want to be around...and i know that a lot of people wouldnt understand it...but it a big shock...im excited that i actually feel this way...a lot of people dont know everything that has gone on except my tree and the girls that were around at the time it happened...but anyways...it feels nice ...but it feels scary too...because im not used to it so im uncomfy with it...i dont know....i think too much...well time to go home and then come back for a meeting...until then... Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 17th, 2005
7:56 pm	update time So I figured its time to update...so may the drama start.... 1. This isnt terrible...but school has started. which means that drama will occur because stress levels are gonna raise. But ive only been to a few classes because being the wonderful me that i am...managed to get the flu the first week of school. HAHAHA good one Em! I left my night class because i was visibly shaking because my fever was so high...i missed my lillil and lil3 get initiated into their positions...i was so sad because im so proud of them...they really have no idea. So anyways...my teachers...so amusing...i have a crazy lady..but i adore her..lol...2 africans that i dont understand, an indian, an old lady and an ex military guy...wow i pick them well. Christopher is in one of my classes...such an odd boy..lol...sometimes i really miss him...and then i remember what an inconsiderate bastard he was to me, especially after the break up...and i start to anger....lets just hope i can get through the course and not kill him or myself. 2. HAHAHAHAHA...heres a funny. so i bought this corsette lingere thingy.....super hot...but i had to buy it in black but i really wanted it in purple/pink...lol anyways...so i put it in the back of my closet...because goodness knows i have a nosey family...and WOULDNT YOU BELIEVE IT...HA HA HA...my mom sits me down yesterday and is like we need to talk.......HAHAHA. my explanation was every girl needs lingere..lol...needless to say she flipped shit and probably wanted to staple my legs...lol..she asked me what else i bought so of course i responded like a smart ass...i was like do you really want me to pull out all the sex toys..lol..im a terrible person sometimes. But i think im gonna have to return it :( oh well such is life. 3. So I broke down again...i cried the other night....not a wise thing to do while sick...over Bobby again. I miss him so much sometimes...and i think maybe he was it...he was the one that i let go...am i crazy for thinking like this? So i text him and said i missed him..nothing back....but he imed me for the first time in like two weeks today and was like what was that about...ummm its what it said asshole. I still love him so much...its like my heart is breaking over again..i hate that...i wish i had him with me...he was one of my best friends...it really just hurts. and it makes me really sad 4. ive been sick for a week now...and yes my fever is gone...but the hacking in my lungs needs to stop...AND its gonna be like 20 degrees this week...umm i think that deserves a big WTF DUDE!!! So yea thats all i have right now..i mean im sure there is more that i can say but i think i remained quite positive for once!!! HAHAHA...sometimes i really do amuse myself...almost to the point of wetting myself...lol ewwww! just kidding...gosh i need help for my head..lol...too many screws loose...hahaha. well week one of school is done and i havent done anything for it...good job...maybe i should try and start that...or maybe i'll just watch tv..im so lazy....until then... Current Mood: giggly (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 8th, 2005
9:41 pm	its at that point I think im gonna snap...im really just gonna lose it and go nuts...with the sanity that i have left of course. none of you understand what it is like to live with her...im seriously going to just go off the deep end. EVERY LITTLE THING she does..bugs the hell out of me. I FUCKING HATE HER. ...until then... Current Mood: infuriated (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
12:09 am	its been awhile...but its all the same Its been awhile...but im still nuts as ever. Oh my gosh i think im just gonna snap. Though I have enjoyed some of this break...ive also managed to dig myself into a few holes. Here goes the bitching!!! 1. oh my gosh i dont think i can take it anymore at home...like im fucking losing my mind here people...well what i have left of it. i was sitting here tonight and my mom can never just fucking go to sleep...night time it MY TIME ...the time i get to relax...but she fucking wakes up and sits down and tries to start a convo with me and is looking at what im doing on the computer. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. Now I realize that maybe im being ridic. and blowing it out of proportion.....but im not. Like non fucking stop this woman has to ask questions. She has to know where im going who will be there when i'll be home. she tells me who i can be with, that i cant drive the turnpike, that i should be in bed by a certain time...HELLO IM 21.....NOT 5. she is like the little gnat that flies around your nice little picnic in the summer time. I swear to God!! 2. I hate boys...they can all take big metal poles and shove them up their asses because the majority of them are just faggots in secret with the way they act. my lovely wonderful ex has no joke called me about 5 days out of the past 7. when he calls he actually seems concerned about my well being etc...but there is always the alterior motive of getting ass...but the STUPID part of me wants to believe that he cares. I mean it really seems like he does.......i feel like such an idiot. We hung out a lil the day after xmas and it was nice. I didnt mess around with him or anything...but when i was going home he walked me to my car. I hugged him goodbye and then he proceeded to lean down and give me a kiss goodbye. I was like what the hell! That caught me off guard...but i tried not to think much of it. But he has proceeded to call me since and im just like wtf because he has a gf who he told me the other night about how he is gonna propose to her yet he is calling me......i dont know. im REALLY trying to not get all wrapped up in this...i just dont know...at one point it freaks me out but then again im so happy that he calls me...it just makes my heart get all happy...eventhough thats bad. stupid head stupid heart. the second stupid boy just needs fucking bitch slapped in the face. he is definately being an ass...one minute he wants to see me the next he doesnt. IM SICK OF IT. he is such a lil pansy ass bitch that thinks hes top shit. news flash i will piss in your cheerios and rain on your fucking parade you little bastard. So here is the problem...I keep managing to be pulled back in by him. he is great at making me think that he really wants to see me....fuck him!!!!!!!!! Im probably looking like the biggest fool in the world...why the hell would i subject myself to that. Third...my sex toy...im growing a conscious....well ive always had one...but its fucking banging bright right now...and im questioning everything ive done and crying ridic over it. DAMN IT! 3. my phone is being big gay and wont let me text people...maybe its God's way of saying not to text that stupid asshole!!! funny because him and i had a convo about god earlier today....arrghhh...i hate him!!! see he keeps popping up!!! I need him out of my head...i just wanna spit in his face. He's a piece of low-life shit. (not God...the boy) Can you tell i'm angry??? i miss everyone and i want to see them. it sucks that i cant. i have a few friends that cant wait to see me just because they know how much drama has been going on and want to see me rant my head off...lol...so lovely. I think im having a heart attack..my chest keeps tightening. AND i swear ive porked up like a bijillion pounds over break...im so fucked up in the head its ridic! I need God...i think im struggling to find him though...kind of upsets me...i just dont know what i want to do anymore. I need to feel loved...and it just seems that i keep getting more hatred and anger in my life...but i think im putting myself there. The only highlight...is i dont know whats going on with this boy that im kinda talking to but not really. Things seemed to go badly before..but he said that he broke his phone so thats why he was never around. So i called him last night and he was on his way home but then called me back and was like lets go out. So we went out and had a few drinks...but i only kissed him on the cheek goodbye. I was trying to be all good. He text me to tell me to let him know that i got home safe...but my phone is fucking gay! so i couldnt. He told me that if i wanted to do something today to call him. Well ive been running around cleaning today so i didnt have anytime....and how cute...he called me tonight and was like yea i thought you would have called me...(haha i didnt bitch!!!) but it was cute that he was actually thinking about me. But that will probably just go down the tubes...lol..i swear i need a new brain and heart...and a better body would be nice too...lol. I've lost it kids! but i cant wait to see everyone again and have school stress added to my normal stress...yippeee!!!!!!! .....until then...... Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
10:15 pm	surveythingy In honor of Tammy saying that i had to do it..or something like that..lol...a few fun facts... THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Emily 2. Emmy 3. f*cker THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. Emily41583 2. Dolphin441 3. and the last one is a secret... THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. I have wonderful hair 2. I'm a very loving person 3. I accept people for who they really are THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. I'm too negative on myself 2. I allow people to walk on me 3. Too anxious/worry-some THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Irish 2. A few parts from Yugoslavia 3. Russian THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Being alone and/or forgotten 2. Never finding love 3. Taking off in airplanes THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Shower 2. brushing my teeth 3. eyeliner THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. Gap jeans 2. glasses 3. body by victoria bra THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists)(at the moment): 1. Alanis Morrissette 2. Yellow Card 3. Dashboard Confessional (and the list goes on) THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1. Learn how to box 2. Keep my head on straight 3. Learn how to play the piano THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given): 1. honesty 2. romance 3. total understanding and accepting me for me TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE: 1. I have the best tree in my whole sorority 2. I've never done any drugs 3. I'm a supermodel THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. smile/lips 2. eyes 3. asses(on guys) THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO: 1. dance 2. draw 3. Make a first move (there has been one exception...haha) THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE PASTTIMES: 1. Singing 2. Baking 3. Being bored with my old best friend together THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. Psychology (clinical psychologist) 2. Guidance counselor 3. Actress (i really really want this one) THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. Tahiti 2. Hawaii 3. Any tropical beach really..or Vegas...hehehe THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Have a loving family 2. Be happy 3. sky dive THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DO THIS MEME NOW: 1. Dene 2. Stef 3. Leigh Sidenote...i miss you all sooooo much!!!...until then... Current Mood: artistic (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 19th, 2004
10:53 pm	blue eyes So I broke down today and completely fell apart. My family is no more...i started the process today of letting go of my best friend...the one boy who i knew i could count on isnt there anymore. I feel lost. The only highlight of my day was i bought some music and i discovered this song...and though it makes me cry a whole lot..its beautiful...i wish that one day will come along soon where a boy will love me like this and the way i need. Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie Window broke, torn up screens Who'd have thought that you'd dream Of a single tragic scene I just wanna sing a song with you I just want to take it off of you Cause Blue Eyes You are all that I need Cause Blue Eyes You’re the sweet to my mean Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand I can help you to stand Saved it up for this dance Tell me all the things you can I just wanna sing a song with you I just wanna be the one that's true Cause Blue Eyes You’re the secret I keep Cause Blue Eyes All the lights on and you are alive But you can't point the way to your heart So sublime, when the stars are aligned But you don't know You don't know the greatness you are Cause Blue Eyes You are destiny's scene Cause Blue Eyes I just wanna be the one I just wanna sing a song with you I just wanna get it on with you Cause Blue Eyes You’re the secret I keep Cause Blue Eyes I just wanna sing a song with you… Its called Blue Eyes by the Cary Brothers...I love it! Miss everyone though!....until then... Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 18th, 2004
12:28 am	i dont know... I just dont know anymore...this isnt gonna say much...its just gonna say how i feel. I feel: unloved trapped sad like i dont have a grip on reality that i dont have control over my own life i feel fat i feel like i have a disorder that no one knows about that no one understands scared angry anxious ...again i feel unloved i feel like no one cares i wonder if i even care anymore i've let myself go and i see myself spiraling down quickly..do i even care to stop it? i feel fucked up i feel violated abused i feel like all my relationships with men fail no man loves me my dad doesnt even love me i feel so deserted lost i feel like i no longer have a heart now please realize that this doesnt mean that i feel like my friends dont love me..there are a few that are god's gifts to me...but i think this has to deal with even before they came along...and alot of it has to deal with my feelings towards me..so if you read this...please dont feel that its anything against you...its all against me....until then... Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Monday, December 13th, 2004
8:01 am	...sigh.... F*ck a duck seriously. My nerves are shot, I feel like shit and i tried to be nice and bring cookies and the librarian fucking chased me and said i had to leave them at the desk...what the fuck is that seriously! And once again im procrastinating. I just am not in the mood to study what so ever. It sucks. This weekend sucked ass too. I mean I relaxed because i was baking...but thats all. I didnt do anything fun and I cried a lot. Saturday my sister came home to visit and so my mom ended up crying and freaking out. She feels like she lost my sister to her bf...the whole situation is just so fucked up to explain. Anyways...so my mom is crying so im like i'll just put the decorations up. HAHAHA that lasted a good thirty minutes. Im too short to reach the roof to put lights up and then i was struggling to put this reindeer together. I threw it across the porch and was like fuck this! So then I went inside and just started to ball...i went back outside to something very bad...but i couldnt bring myself to do it. So my dad comes chasing after me, lazy bastard wouldnt get his ass off the fucking couch to help...why? oh because my mom wants decorations up therefore he wont do jack shit because she wants it. WHAT THE FUCK EVER HAPPENED TO MAKING YOUR KIDS HAPPY? oh thats right he makes rachel happy by giving her any fucking thing she wants but i get yelled at for asking for 10 bucks to grab something to eat. So he tried to talk to me and I just told him how i couldnt take it anymore. I had to yell at my mom to come in..otherwise she wouldnt have because she would have been in the same room as him..and god forbid that happen. I'm so sick of this shit. I cried and said how i just needed to be away from it all...but i dont have the money to do so. Then when someone says something about maybe giving me money..i feel like im a huge burden and therefore feel like i cant accept it. Im so fucked up in the head...i dont know whats wrong with me. I swear if i just had the ability to have my own car and apartment...i think i might feel a little better because i can start to figure my life out...oh who the fuck knows. I told my dad i'd prefer to be dead...that never goes over well with the parents. So anyways...that night im talking to Bobby..and he preceeds to tell me about this new girl he is seeing. DUDE SERIOUSLY FUCK OFF I REALLY DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! So i completely flipped shit and said some pretty psycho stuff....and now he wont talk to me....fucking wonderful...good job em you always manage to screw it up somehow. I think i was just holding onto to something that wasnt even there anymore. I should sit down and be like hey this kid really loved me and that was great but that time is up and now its time to move on. Logical thinking right? No one ever said I was logical though! I'm contemplating who i can talk to. I might go talk to a priest...maybe he can atleast restore my faith so i have something to believe in. Or maybe he can tell me why all this shit is happening. Now keep in mind...i realize there are people with it much worse than i have. But there is only much pressure something can take before it breaks...and im starting to bend hard core. On top of that my psycho obsessed with food dad sat and lectured me again how i eat all the wrong food for my blood type...PSYCHO. He says thats why i have such indigestion. NO DUMB FUCK...I HAVE IT BECACUSE IM STRESSED TO THE MAX THEREFORE THERE IS LIKE 20 GALLONS OF ACID IN MY STOMACH. Oh people annoy me. I really fucking hate my life anymore...i think people can see that im a lot angrier now and days...especially for the fact i drop the f-bomb like every couple lines. I need some type of escape... i doubt i'll ever be that lucky. So I guess I should study for this psych final...wow there's a stupid bitch if i ever knew one..blah whatever...until then... Current Mood: good (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 10th, 2004
7:52 am	oh holy hell So I realize im in extreme procrastination mode...but shit happens. Ive had some stuff boiling in my head for the past couple days and i really need to let it out. So here is the list of things i hate and some things that JUST NEVER QUIT! 1. Lets start with the best of all. Sometimes people make mistakes...but do you think you can make it a mistake when you know that you've done it before and completely destroyed another person because of it. OH YES it was SOOOOO a mistake, it was just that you know things happened...but i wish it didnt. YET i shouldnt talk to him. HAHAHHAA...well I realize that I made the mistake by forgiving you. YES ladies and gentleman...someone that i consider a very good "friend" (hahahha) made out once again with my ex-boyfriend. Now wasnt there enough drama last year about it? I tried to explain to her how i felt. I told her that im hearing two stories again and im SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THAT. It can drive people crazy...and im already crazy enough..i really dont need to be committed. Maybe I'm being stupid ...but i really feel like i need a break for once and not have to deal with this shit. And honestly ...if you knew it hurt me that much before...then how do you have the balls to do it again??? CAN ANYONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME...OBVIOUSLY IM TOO DUMB TO FUCKING KNOW. 2. People that use you and know that they can. Hence the boy referred to in #1, among others of course. After I treated you like a king and took care of you even after you put me through hell...you manage to continue to fuck me over...over and over and over. Why I allow myself to give two shits about you...who the hell knows!!! Im tired of one minute you telling me you care and that if you and your gf break up you wanna be with me...so quit saying it and save your fucking breath dude. Also have some self-control and keep your dick in your pants! I cant believe i ever loved you...oh god that makes me want to puke. 3. Which takes us to 3. How can you love someone yet cheat on them. THis is something I never understood. Now its my stupid fault for caring for someone that is with someone else....but the fact that people manage to cheat on someone they are so close with and love...that just makes me ill. I have never cheated when in a relationship...and believe me..ive had plenty of oppurtunities. 4. OH IM SO SICK OF SEEING THOSE UGLY ASS BOOTS. hahaha really..they just are ugly...and they look worse when you wear them with a mini skirt...especially in winter...come on people lets use some fucking sense here. 5. People that say "yea we will soon" or "maybe" ...dont fucking lead me on. I dont need that shit in my life. I'm sick of you playing games with my head...atleast trying to...who knows why i let you. I get pissed and then you act all concerned and you dont want me to be mad with you. Yet once its all okay...ur an ass again. Why the hell do I even let you bother me...arrrghhh i hate it. 6. Im tired of being told i love you and then the next minute you dont. Make up your mind asshole. 7. Im tired of being the person who tries so hard and does so much to make people happy and get jack shit in return (side note...this is no way refers to my tree) Im so tired of living in a home that is destroyed by hatred,lies, etc. I want a break...fuck that...i NEED a break. i cant wait to get away. 8. Im tired of hearing of him...you know it upsets me...why do you keep doing it. FUCK YOU! Im tired of hearing of her...really...im sorry that you and your daughter dont get along...but quit fucking say shit to me! I dont care to hear about it anymore..and it just adds more stress. 9. Im tired of being used as a whore. I know that maybe i allow it in some situations..and i shouldnt bring myself to that...but im really tired of that being all that guys seem to want from me. Guys that have girlfriends...yea quit with this shit. If your in love, put your dick in your girlfriend...dont try to put it in me. Im sorry if you heard i was good...use your imagination because thats all your gonna get. Either make a decision to try and get to know me or fuck off...because im not a cheap fuck on the side of the road. Find some other girl for that shit. So yea obviously i have a little bit of anger in me. Please note...alot of these have to do with some people hear and there. Most importantly know that this has nothing to do with my tree. Those three girls have been there for me then so many people i know and i thank god every day that i have them in my life. All three of them listen to me so well and help me so well and im forever gracious for it. They are all so smart and compassionate and they are able to sit and help anyone in need and they do such a good job at it. I keep fast fowarding to the end of the year and i wonder what the hell im gonna do without them and what the hell im gonna write in my senior will. Oh geeze!!! Well Im done with three finals...i have 2 more today and then one Tuesday...this sucks ass...i hate school dude...hard core. I think i may try and relax a lil bit over the weekend. Good luck with finals everyone and have a wonderful Christmas! ...until then... Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
6:06 pm	WTF I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE...enough said! Current Mood: pissed off (2 Comments |Comment on this)
8:45 am	OMG Shit i just wrote this long as entry and it disappeared...this def pisses me off ..but goes along with the theme of the day. I am stressed as hell. I have a ten page paper due tomorrow which i havent started and i worked until midnight last night. Typing for six hours is not fun. So i woke up this morning and it was hard as hell to get out of bed. Then I found that I someone ate my chocolate donut and i couldnt find my cds i like. and now this fucking this. GEEZE! So what did i bitch about before...oh my ass and legs hurt...which is good and bad..lol. So i hate boys..lol..what else is new. It seems to be that i got myself in this shitty ass situation of being too consumed in love. And i hate it. There are like 5 boys that im juggling in my head...and it sucks. #1 An old bf that im still debating on what i feel for him. I know a part of me loves him..i wish i could see him so i actually knew what i wanted to do with those feelings. I could honestly see myself marrying him...and being happy...but we keep hitting these bumps in the road and we just get pissed with eachother. #2 is the boy who is all for marrying me...lol...yet he is across the country. How am i supposed to do a relationship like that? #3 is a stupid crush that should have never happened...especially after the fact that he tried to kiss one of my sisters. #4 Is another stupid crush that was NEVER supposed to happen. I was supposed to be on top and have control...but i was completely blind to the web he started to form...what the hell ...i shoulda ran when i had the chance. #5 The boy i want so much but cant have. I mean I have him physically...but thats not what i want...and thats a bad idea. Ever since i met this kid...sophmore year before christmas...ive been crazy about him. I just always keep it dl-ed and claim that he is just a drug to satisfy me sexually. But im so much more addicted...and i hate it...i just dont like to admit it. I just wish i had a second chance. But what good would that do me...i know how he is now...so who says he wont do the same thing to me? And for once...this is the funny part...none of them are Chris...lol...he just sits in the back of my head and heart...but im too preoccupied with him...lol. I just wish he would leave my mind. God im so stressed...i hate this. And i dont think my highligther works....damn it. So i guess i should start this work...until then... Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
8:03 am	blah blah blah So last night was fun...the ending of it slightly sucked...lol...well it wasnt that bad...hahaha. All I seem to be able to concentrate on though right now is the fact that my ankle HURTS DUDE. I was dancing and i think i dropped to the floor for some idiotic reasoning...and when i popped up i twisted it along the way...such a dumbass dude. I cant wait to get my pictures developed...i think i'll go do that today. I wish could have actually had what i wanted last night...because then i would be stress fear and ready to start the stressful week ahead of me....blah...guys are asses sometimes...but hes just as much of a tease as i am...thats why i think i enjoy his company so much...stupid drug. So im up at this god for saken hour because he had to go to work so he dropped me back off at towers...this is why i need my own car...better yet my own place...then i wouldnt have to do all this sneaking around...stupid boys, stupid not having money, stupid parents. So im sure probably this afternoon i will start FREAKING OUT because of the amount of work that i'll have for this week...ARRRRGGGHHH! On a side note...BIG TREE...umm hello gorgeous girls! my most favorite of all the girlies :) we need to go to dinner this week! Understood!! Let me know when we can do this!!! ....so back on track...here is a list of stuff that has to happen this week...and lets start with a big BLAH!!! Sunday: Work Monday: Class Tuesday: Class, 10 page paper due (shit havent started!!!), possible french final (he better have it that day...i dont feel like coming in Saturday morning dude!!!) Wednesday: HELL YEA ITS READING DAY BITCHES!!! (which is when i will be doing all my studying...woohoo!), Work 6-12 Thursday: 2 finals (HS and WC ???...guess i should figure that one out) one at 11 and one at 1 (i think...hehe), Work 6-12 Friday: 2 finals (lit and FS ...I think...whoops!!! 11; 1); Work 6-12 Saturday: As of right now ..i have nothing to do this day...YES...lol but im sure i'll get scheduled for work. Tuesday: Last final!!! Clinical Psych...this one is gonna be a bitch...pray that i get an A so i can actually pass the class..lol. So then I'm done for the semester...though i love sooo many people...this semester has sucked! i think its more academically wise though...my grades have never been this bad! Oh well...shit happens. I'll do better next time...and then im off to the real world...lol i should try out for that show just to avoid finding something like a job....gosh that idea makes me sick right now. Blah. Anyways...here's a shout out to all my girlies...i had so much fun last night and i hope you did as well! You all looked super hot..love you all!!! So i guess i should be starting some work soon...until then... Current Mood: jubilant (Comment on this)
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
8:51 am	its a BLAH kind of time WTF my journal disappeared so now i have to try again...lol...so i have a presentation on my 10 page paper that is due tues at 2pm today...i have yet to start and its 9am...lol im an ass. But i figure i'll bitch before hand...Things that suck: when you buy a cd and are excited and then it ends up being not too good...that sucks! So i went to work last night and my schedule is crazy! When i first got the job i sat down with my boss and tried to give him the days i could work...he said if he took a list from me then he would have to take one from everyone so he just wanted general days...so thats what i gave him and i work th, fri, and sun. Well i went in last night and i am scheduled to work 6 out of the next 7 days!!! UMM NOT POSSIBLE! First I have my formal this weekend which i really want to go to. And then im still in class! i tried to explain this to him before so i figured he'd understand. Dude so now i have to tell him that i cant work all these days until after im done with school...yea they will probably fire my ass...but hey its not like i didnt try to explain it to him before! Blah i hate my life sometimes. Finals are going to be insane this semester..i got some study guides...holy hell..im screwed...i need an A on my lit final to basically get a C...I'm f-ed dude...majorly. Pray for me please!!! I need to change my life around majorly...im so damn tired of dealing with shitty days and situations and feelings. And im thinking i might be starting to develop feelings for someone that i really shouldnt ...maybe i am just trying to preoccupy my mind with a boy...i dunno. He seems like a big jerk...lol some reason im attracted to those kinds. I dunno :( Way to attempt to straighten my life..lol...by becoming attached to a stupid boy...blah. So the song im listening to right now ...i like...cool dude! I think some of it reminds me of me...lol...maybe its the music..lol...i dunno... "Dare you to move...dare you to move...dare you lift yourself off of the floor...dare you to move...dare you to move like today never happened...today never happened before" So i guess i should try and start this presentation paper thingy. Can i just have a day without stress? ...until then... Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)